Once a year, it’s acceptable for people to commit atrocities against each other in the name of humor, but April Fools’ Day actually owes its creation to another, ostensibly less violent occasion. Once upon a time, February 2 was celebrated by injecting beavers with steroids and then releasing them in churches with the goal of browbeating God into ending winter. That changed when those animals became more valuable for their pelts than for their destructive abilities, a shift that caused celebrants to switch from beavers and steroids to inviting aliens to do that. The aliens weren’t very good at bringing down churches, but they were great at gnawing through the people inside them (yes, they gnaw…). That part of Alien Day never gets much press, though, so all that people see on TV is the sanitized nobody-gets-gnawed-to-death interpretation of the Holy Day. Proponents of the more deadly version of the celebration protest this censorship every year on April Fools Day, which is about the earliest that it’s safe to go outside. Those roving packs of rabid groundhogs don’t start returning to their home planets until the end of March when the sky clears and they have 100% visibility. The protests aren’t very organized because those who truly appreciate alien-on-human violence also have very short attention spans, so it’s not entirely surprising that sign holding and self-righteous anger quickly give way to lame pranks and fake news stories on the first day of April every year.
[There are always 'alternate truths' if you don't want to believe this story... read up the fish story here...]
While most April Fools’ Day pranks don’t ruin enough lives to warrant mentioning, it’s important
to remember the momentous antics that have transpired on this day in history. Life pulled a pretty good joke years ago at the start of April when it gave Franklin Roosevelt polio. The Third Crusade was another memorable prank. Nothing says “just kidding” quite like scorched earth and dead people. You might not be able to give debilitating diseases or start holy wars at will, but there’s still quite a bit you can do to rise above the typical I-put-salt-in-your-coffee stunts that mar the workplace. Instead of messing with your coworker’s beverage, mess with his wife. You won’t have to worry about pranks in the future since every year at the start of April you can fondly recall that your fellow employee is unknowingly raising your illegitimate child. (Don’t do your cuckoo dance just yet, there are repercussions…) The only problem with this prank is that if you share it with the office to earn those well deserve laughs, you’ll also have to pay child support. The solution is to confess to fatherhood only if the rabid aliens are in a position to devour your love child before they hunker away for the season. Not all April Fools’ jokes involve ruinous acts of procreation, but most of the really good ones do.
Ankit Desai